*WARNING: This blog is intended for a mature audience. Its contents may include adult situations, violence and sensitive issues that some people might find disturbing. Please read at your own discretion.

9 July 2013

A Pair of Brown Eyes: Chapter 05

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*WARNING: This chapter contains references to some disturbing and sensitive issues.

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Claire had been looking at those painkillers for a while now. Did she really want to do it? Was her 17th birthday going to be her last? She didn't even know how many it would take to... Would three times her normal dose do the trick? She began pacing the room again. Restless, desperate. One step forward, one step back. She felt braver one minute, weaker the next.

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Suddenly, she felt so dizzy she had to sit down. Her hands trembled violently as she covered her face in them. Ever since that day she had barely touched food, or ventured out of bed, even. Her body might be in a terrible condition, but at least her mind was strong, or so she kept repeating herself. This was the moment to make her decision. Would she end it all or not?

Her hand finally reached for the bottle, only it grabbed... just thin air.

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...Just thin air. 

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The room was spinning. Her eyes refused to open. She didn't recognise her surroundings. All her body ached and she was out of breath. A wrinkled blanket was covering her, and yet she felt very cold.

Then realisation hit her.

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Now fully awake, Claire got up from bed with a start. All the little details of her nightmare began to crowd her mind, and she brought her hands to her temples, trying to erase those painful memories. She had been suffering from those horrible dreams for four days in a row. They surely were her punishment for having fled England. What if they were just a sign for her to return to her old life and fulfill the obligations that were expected of her?

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Those thoughts sent a shiver down her spine. She did not want to go back. She had worked very hard for the last three years just to be here, and she was not ready to give up yet, she would hold onto what she had here for as long as she could. She braced herself, in an attempt to fight back her shattered nerves; she had to be strong, because she knew she would never have any one to comfort her in moments like these.

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Today, Claire was feeling a little more relaxed. Her mind was giving her a break, apparently, and she had slept better the previous night. But she couldn't forget what had triggered those nightmares.

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It had been that first patient, Ms. Connor; it was to Claire's chagrin that she had shown those wounds precisely, the only thing that could make her lose her focus. She was all too familiar with those, and besides farm animals, she knew of a few other things that could cause them. And even though Claire followed to the letter Dr. Stuart's instructions on how to disinfect the skin in such cases, she would never have needed them.

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She forced herself back to the present, and her attention was caught by a couple playing chess in the park. They seemed very engrossed in their game, but even more interested in stealing glances at each other. She assumed they were in love but couldn't decide whether she envied them or not.

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When Claire arrived to Dr. Stuart's home, she put on her uniform jacket, and headed for the office area; she found him behind his desk reading the newspaper, as he did every morning before opening the clinic for the day. But when he saw her entering the room, he stopped what he was doing to look at her, smiling.

"Good morning, Mrs. Parker" Why did he always have to look at her so intently? Or why did he have to look so handsome when he smiled? He made her very nervous.

"Good morning, doctor."

"May I speak to you for a second?" Was she imagining things, or had he briefly gazed at her lips before turning to his professional tone? "Would you mind if I left you here alone for a while? It won't be long, just some errands I need to run." Claire nodded self-consciously. "Don't worry, you'll do well, I trust you'll remember all the things that I've been teaching you. If it's something you know how to do, then do it by all means; if it's not just ask them to wait for me." His smile broadened, and Claire felt both apprehensive and flattered.

"I'll do my best." She answered, attempting a smile of her own.

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Just ten minutes after the doctor had gone out, a very young man -perhaps even under age- entered the clinic, barely able to walk straight or to talk without slurring his words. His abusive use of spirits was evident; whisky, Claire guessed, by the smell of it. He only had some minor bruises on his forehead and brow, so she thought she could handle that. Claire wetted a cloth in alcohol and began to apply it to the wounded areas. But the whole time she was doing this, she was aware of him eyeing her seductively, almost in a lecherous manner.

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In fact, it didn't take her by surprise that, when she was finished, he grabbed her with too much familiarity and tried to fondle her, while he said something about wanting to be in pain just to be treated by such a beautiful nurse. Claire knew better than to resist his advances, and simply let him do as he wanted.

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At that moment Dr. Stuart entered the room, a fury written on his face like she hadn't seen in him before. But what shocked her was that his anger wasn't aimed at her.

"What do you think you're doing?". He shouted at the man she had been attending to. "Do you think that is the way to treat the young lady who's just mended the effects of your miserable behaviour? Stop bothering my staff and go away; we don't provide that type of service here."

This disagreeable but simple incident was how Claire began to realise that she knew hardly anything about men. Or rather, that she only knew about one type of man. And Dr. Stuart had just proved he was by no means of that type. He had defended her!

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The youngster was out within a minute, and as Andrew approached her, she couldn't shake her thoughts of what had happened. He had defended her! Her! No man had ever done that for her before!

"Mrs. Parker, are you all right?" He gently stroked her arm. "Claire?"

"I... I'm sorry!"




Chapter 04Chapter 06




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Author's note: I'm sorry this chapter came out a little confusing, with all of its goings back and forth. I wasn't very inspired when I put this together, I'm afraid. I hope you enjoy it, though. And thank you all for reading.

36 comments:

  1. ... I think it´s pretty linear...? o.O

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    1. See? That's how uninspired I was ;-). I know it's linear. I just wasn't sure I made the transition between nightmare/reality and flashback/present were "seamless" enough.

      Thank you for reading.

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  2. Yay, the doctor scored a lot of brownie points with Claire and with me for his chivalrous act. I loved that scene so much, must be the romantic in me.

    On a serious note though, I find myself wondering about Claire's past more and more, I mean she seemed genuinely stunned that the doctor came to her defense. I'm guessing she's a victim of abuse or some kind of mistreatment, and very likely at the hands of a man. Plus the nightmares too...What made her try to kill herself, what was so horrible in her life to make her want to take her own life.

    We need to have a conversation about these very short updates, they are killing me. I want MOAR!

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    1. Are you warming up to Dr. Stuart, then? ;-) He's always the gentleman to save a "damsel in distress", especially if it's Claire. I'm glad you loved the scene, I was afraid I had gone too far into the "corny side". :-)

      Claire is utterly shocked (pleasingly so, I imagine) by Andrew's defense of her, and that's a little odd, isn't it? You made a very good point about the rest, can't say more ;-).

      I LOL'd at your last paragraph, was that a lecture? :-P. No, seriously, I'm so sorry about my short chapters, I don't seem to have the gift for longer updates: I struggle enough with my wording as they are.

      Thank you for reading, and for the feedback!

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  3. I'm really curious about Claire's past now. Did she attempt, or at least consider, suicide? And obviously she's been mistreated by men, considering her reaction to the incident with her patient.
    What obligations did she flee from tha she feels so guilty about leaving!
    I'm looking forward to finding out more!

    Andrew came in at just the right moment. It's sad that Claire expects only the worst behavior from men. Hopefully her experience with Dr. Stuart will change that. =D

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    1. She has at least fiddled with the idea of suicide, or so her nightmare tells us. And she's, well, not comfortable in the company of men (how's that for an understatement?).

      As for her obligations..., in our 21st century world, what Claire has done wouldn't have been such a great deal as it must have been for her in her late-19th-century society.

      And let's hope that her dealings with Andrew helps her see men (some, at least) in a better way.

      Thanks for reading :-)

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  4. Wow, she's always met the wrong kind of man before then! She was just going to let the slimeball touch her like she deserved it? ew! for lack of a better word.

    Definite brownie points for the doctor, yes. Hm. Now I want brownies.
    oh, and
    Eeeee he wanted to kiss her in the beginning I just KNOW it. :D
    I wonder where it was he had to go...

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  5. Claire actually THINKS she deserves to be treated like that, how sad is that? :-(

    Hmmm, brownies... *drools in a Homer Simpson-esque way*

    I'll have to ask Dr. Stuart if he was fantasizing about kissing Claire, but you may very well be right ;-D

    And don't make too much of his going away; it was just my excuse to have Claire by herself for a while (just a red herring, if you want).

    Thanks for reading, I loved your post.

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  6. All caught up, and I'm enjoying your story so far :) First of all, your pictures are gorgeous. I love the costumes and historical setting. It really adds to the atmosphere of the story. Claire has a mysterious past, and I'm curious to see what forced her to flee England. I know she was introduced as a widow in the first chapter, but I'm wondering if that's really the case or if that's just her alibi so people won't question her. Based on her negative experiences with men and trust issues, I'm guessing she probably ran from a toxic/abusive relationship?

    And I love Andrew, the handsome doctor. It's interesting that Claire and Ethel knew each other since childhood, but she never met her brother. I'm thinking maybe fate wanted until they were a little older to meet? Whatever the case may be, I love the fact that he came just in time to defend Claire's honor. There's definitely something between them, and I'm sure it will be a matter of time before something develops.

    I also like the pacing of your story. You don't give away everything (which I find a lot of stories do), you allow the characters to unravel in their own time, and I appreciate that. It helps keep the suspense.

    Looking forward to the next chapter!

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    1. Welcome to my blog! :-)

      Well, we already know that Claire is concealing many things concerning her past, so she may or may not be also lying about being a widow.

      I'm glad you love Andrew (I love him too, of course). And you made a very interesting point about fate "waiting" on them, because I was thinking along those lines while building the characters prior to writing. Somehow, it made sense that they shouldn't meet until both of them were adults (I hope it will become clearer WHY as the plot develops).

      Do you like the pacing? I'm glad. It was very important for me to give characters some time to be defined at their own tempo, so to speak.

      Thanks for your feedback, I really appreciated it :-).

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  7. Hmmm I wonder what Claire is fleeing? I mean it must be pretty bad for her to have suicidal dreams, heavy stuff! I love it! Also with that patient she had it makes me wonder what she's running from and what could cause her to have such heavy dreams...or nightmares rather.

    It's a good thing Dr.Stuart came when he did though. But another clue...that she only knows about one type of man...hmmmm...

    Any ways the story has been great! The writing has it's own flow, every easy to read! And the pictures are great. Even if you say you were uninspired I still enjoyed this update! Sometimes I get that way too, it's one of the reason why I do seasonal stuff now so I can look back on uninspired writing and try to fix it as much as I can...buuuut I don't think you need any advice from me, it's great :D

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    1. Well, Claire is escaping from something as insurmountable to her as to cause her to think about killing herself, I'll leave it at that ;-).

      Yes, Andrew was ready to help "his" lady when she needed him :-). He's very different from the men Claire has known until now.

      I'm glad you find the story easy to read, that was one of my greatest fears. OK, so perhaps I wasn't THAT uninspired after all: I was feeling a little under the weather when I wrote that (my kidneys were hating me again :-(), so I wasn't the most objective of women.

      And I'll let you in on a secret: most of the story is already written (well, at least the important parts, I'm actually improvising more than I had anticipated), and so are most of the "fixings". And you're wrong, I DO need all the advice I can get :-), I'm nothing but a newbie in this story writing stuff, and I'm still learning.

      Thanks for reading!

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  8. Ok all caught up and following now. Claire is a woman of mystery and is hiding something. She has run from something. Maybe she is engaged and doesn't want to be married. I don't think she is actually married.

    Her friend back home could possibly get in trouble for Claire leaving? :( That's not good. Man loving the mystery surrounding her. She tried to kill herself? What has transpired in her life that she thought death was the answer? The fact that she didn't even try to correct the young man that was in the office mean she's been touched in a manner like that before. :(

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    1. Well, Claire's "unhealthy" dealings with men in the past has made her experience some things in life in a distorted way (meaning she can't always tell the difference of WHAT is acceptable behavior and what is not). Have no fear for Eliza, though. Claire's worry for her speaks more of her low self-esteem than of any real danger that could happen to her.

      And well, yes, she's probably been touched like that before. That's not good, isn't it? :-(

      In a couple of chapters from here (I think) we will learn why she wanted to kill herself (partly, at least) :-(

      Thanks for reading! :-)

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  9. I thought the chapter made perfect sense. =D I liked Andrew before, but now I like Andrew a lot. Haha, he's so nice. I'm glad Claire realized a different type of man when he defended her. I like the little bit of insight you wrote with her dream in the beginning.

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    1. Thanks, I know this story is full of flashbacks (and disordered, besides), so I'm not always sure my chapters make sense, I'm glad they do :-D. Andrew is very nice, true. And I may use some other dreams in future updates; I think they portray Claire's troubled state of mind in a very powerful way.

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  10. It wasn't at all confusing! I wonder what a man did to her in the past. Why is she so familiar with those types of wounds? Was it done to her or to others that she knew and cared about? I also wonder if maybe those wounds on Mrs. Carter may have come from her husband and not the farm animals!

    Once again I loved the pictures! Claire's expression when Dr. Stuart defended her was perfect! She must have been horribly treated in the past to think of suicide and she's clearly used to men trying to use her.

    I can't wait to find out what is making her so afraid and so guilty! Also, I wonder about Eliza!

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    1. I can only promise that all of your questions will be answered in due time ;-).

      And thanks again for liking my pics, you just made my day :-D.

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  11. Well, now! I loved this line: "Her words were melting Andrew's heart at a dangerous speed." and I wonder what he was about to say that would have scared her.

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    1. Hehe, thanks :-D. Sometimes my lines come out a bit cheesy, but I blame it on my writing a period drama. Is Andrew in love, or is he not? Perhaps it was HIM that was scared ;-).

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  12. It was in no way confusing. ^.^
    I feel horrible for Claire that she thinks herself so helpless...she has done SO much already! It is obvious she is traumatized from previous experiences. Let's hope the good doctor can continue to assuage her fears. ;)

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    1. Aww, thanks <3. I was having a rough time by the time I wrote that (I suffer from the occasional renal colic), and I guess the painkillers had me a little drowsy LOL.

      True, she has done a lot already, I just assumed that a woman who's gone through what she has would have a really low self-esteem :-(.

      Thanks for reading.

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  13. Wow a mysterious past with thoughts of suicide? Can't wait to see how this progresses. Claire should have poured that alcohol in that young guys face. I would have taken that lecherous look off his face, by giving a kick to the groin myself lol.

    Great update.

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    1. Sadly yes! :-( LOL, you've just given me great ideas!

      Thanks for reading.

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  14. This was really nice to read, finally something happening between the doctor and her ^ ^
    I love how he is so gentle with her... awww, I know Im in for a nice romance. Hehehe.

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    1. Hehehe, yes you are. You're in for some good, old-fashioned romance ;-). Andrew is great <3.

      Thanks for reading.

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  15. I am smiling.

    You warned us that Claire's nightmares were to start again, yet I wasn't aware it as a nightmare I was reading at the beginning of the chapter -- great effect! And do these nightmares inform us about Claire's past? Was she actually taking sedactives at such a young age, and contemplating suicide? My own experience is that youngsters do suffer a lot and are often very tormented -- but I am glad both Claire and I have survived :)

    Now she is confronted with her own story in her daily life. She has emmigrated, but her story has come with her -- she recognizes the wounds in Ms Connor's body and relates to them as if they were her own, because they surely were, once... and the abbusive young man is as much present in that office harassing her as he is bringing ghosts from her past... My heart skips a beat with Claire's suffering, present and past.

    How could she abandon herself to the abuser? What could have happened if Andrew hadn't arrived? " Claire knew better than to resist his advances, and simply let him do as he wanted." That is terrible, and it tells of an abused psyche. Does she accept abuse because she fears greater violence? Is she so powerless against the army of ghosts from her past that keep haunting her?

    My feeling is that Claire will discover a new strength in herself, one beyond that which has made her to survive all yet.

    At least, Andrew (I'm not as polite as her to keep calling him Dr. Stuart, and I don't want to keep the distance) represents a new kind of man in her life, and might be her redeemer... "why did he have to look so handsome when he smiled?" I'm glad she thought that, and now I'm hoping Andrew will be smiling as often as he can!

    Thank you for the lovely chapter!

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    1. Oh, I'm sad to hear you went through a rough time in your teens :-(, but yes, youngsters tend to experience things more keenly than an adult would.

      You posed some excellent questions, which are at the very core of this story... And all I can say is, all things will be disclosed in due time ;-).

      And Andrew (you may very well call him that, hehe) is a kind of man she's never known before; let's just hope he can redeem her.

      Thank you for reading and for your insightful comment :-D.

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  16. I feel such sadness thinking about how she was so moved that a man stood up for her. Says so much about her past experiences with men. Even sadder is her lack of attempt to stop the young guy from taking advantage of her. She is fighting some big demons from her past it seems. Hoping Andrew helps her face them. :)

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    1. Oh, she's fighting some great demons, alright! As for Andrew helping her or not... you'll just have to wait and see... ;-)

      Thanks for reading.

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  17. Claire reminds me a lot of Ellie. Both thinking they're unworthy of gentle affection, both distrusting of men. Both involved with a doctor, LOL. :)

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    1. Hehe, yes, you might be right. Thanks for reading!

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  18. Well duh! I would expect no less from Ethel's brother. I hope this eases some of Claire's distrust.

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    1. Hopefully, Andrew will have earned Claire's trust after this ;-).

      Thank you for reading.

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