*WARNING: This blog is intended for a mature audience. Its contents may include adult situations, violence and sensitive issues that some people might find disturbing. Please read at your own discretion.

20 February 2014

A Pair of Brown Eyes: Chapter 17

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*WARNING: Flashbacks strike back! Which means, you know..., some sensitive stuff.
*EXTRA WARNING: This chapter is Andrew-free. I humbly apologise to all his fans ;-P.

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Claire hated septembers...

She had been rehearsing more than usual that afternoon, but it had been worth the effort, since now she was proud to acknowledge that all her chords were finally in place and the piece was finished. And just in time, too. She felt a deep feeling of acomplishment she hadn't known for years.

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"Well, tomorrow is the day. Are you nervous? Because I, for one, could never hold my excitement back whenever I knew I would hear one of your recitals." Ethel accompanied her usual exuberance by a loud clasp of her hands. "I used to envy your talent so much."

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Claire was  thankful for her friend's compliment, and smiled to herself at the recollection of those happy days. "Don't worry. I'm not nervous."

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"Claire, what you were playing before... Was it the piece you're going to play at this year's beginning-of-term festival? It sounded so beautiful. Ethel has been telling me there's a story attached to it. Is it true?" Claire nodded enthusiastically, as she took a seat on Emily's bed. Talking about her music was her favourite topic of conversation.

"Of course it is." Ethel chimed in, clasping her hands. "Don't you know that Claire tells the prettiest stories in the whole of the world? All full of fairies, and fair princesses, and music."

"Oh!", sighed Emily.

"Do you want to hear it?" Claire asked her friends, and, both of them having nodded, she cleared her throat to start her narrative.

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"Once upon a time..."

The giggles of the other girls could be heard in the background, and above them, Helen, who had obviously been eavesdropping, cried with glee. "Girls, quick, quick, Claire is going to tell a story!" Whithin a second, all the girls who shared the bedchamber with them were gathered around Claire, eager to hear her tale...

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"And that's how the handsome blue-eyed prince rescued the princess from the grievous dragon!"

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"No, I'm not in the least bit nervous" Claire reiterated, more to herself than anyone else. But she had to own to herself that she was. She was nervous. And not for the reasons Ethel was thinking of. Her nerves couldn't be quieted just for the simple fact that it was september.

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As if Ethel had guessed Claire's sombre thoughts, her own expression turned serious, and her voice sounded subdued the next time she spoke. "Claire, what you told me the other day... About your marriage, I mean..."

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"You won't tell your brother, will you?" Claire had to avert her friend's questioning glance for fear she would read in her eyes what should be concealed. It would probably make no difference whether Andrew knew it or not, and yet, somehow, she didn't want him to.

Claire bid her farewell before Ethel got the chance to say anything more, and decided she would take a short stroll before heading home, in the hope that the magical lights of twilight as they reflected over the ocean would soothe her spirits.

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Yes, Claire hated september. Or at least she hated the last eleven septembers of her life. Eleven years. She couldn't believe it was eleven years already. The fact that today was the anniversary to that fateful day in her life wasn't helping her relax. Not in the least. What would he thought, were he to see her now? He whose name she didn't even dare pronounce, lest she should summon him if she did so. That fear was always there, always in the back of her mind, always trying to overshadow her happiness. But she wouldn't allow it. She wouldn't let her fate mar this particular stance of joy. Not this one.


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The drawing room had always been a place of comfort and joy for Claire, but not any more. Not since what happened that night. All the pleasures derived from her playing the piano had vanished. All vanished. Forever. Not even her music would cheer her now. Today, all she wanted to do was lay there and lose herself. Die, perhaps. Her life would never be the same again.

Was she a tainted woman now? She knew that the girls who did what she had were not fit for marriage. Wasn't what she had done a sin? Only she had done nothing. Then again, what if that was worse than sin itself? Not doing anything. What if she could have prevented it? No! That couldn't be the truth. She did wish she could have prevented it. It had hurt. So much. So very much. Even a few days afterwards her legs still felt numb where he had torn them apart, and her very soul was in pain. Just remembering it made her sick to the stomach.

She was to be his... Those words still echoed in her mind, haunting even her most cherished illusions. She was to be his... What had he meant by that? Was she to be his?

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She looked up from the piano, where she had been resting her head, and her eyes met with a portrait which used to inspire her to play the piano. That young bride who had been its former owner. Her mother. The woman Claire had killed by being born. She seemed so pretty in that picture. How she wished she would have known her. Perhaps she could offer her some advice now. Would she have understood? Would she have blamed her for being so weak? Would she have experienced the same thing? Claire had so many questions, but the picture simply refused to answer her back, which did nothing but sink her even deeper in her despair.

And why was father so intent in not letting her go to school? All the others would already be there, waiting for classes to begin, and it was too late for Claire to take part in the festival this year. It didn't matter, anyway. She had no wish to face Ethel and her other friends, not after that. Not now that she was tainted.


So engrossed was Claire in her disturbing thoughts, she didn't hear the maid entering the room until she addressed her, timidly.

"I'm sorry to interrupt you, miss. Your papa wants you in his study at once."

Her father was waiting for her? It was strange that he should show any interest in speaking with her, and Claire felt a sudden dread. What could he possibly want?


Doing her best to compose herself a little, she went to the study and knocked on the door. Then, tentatively, she opened it before receiving any answer, and stepped into the room. "It's me, father. Did you want to talk to me?"

...

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Claire most definitely hated september...


Chapter 16Chapter 18




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Author's note: Just some reminders so no one gets lost, because I know it's been a while, especially if you read those chapters when I first published them...

  • As you see, we are now in september, and the Prologue was set in november, which means there are two more months to go to get to that part of the story.
  • The boarding school flashback happens roughly one year after the events told in Chapter 04.
  • And the last flashback happens a couple of days after the events told in Chapter 09. <--- Yes, I know I get back to it too many times, but... sadly it is an important part of the story.
I hope you're still with me, feel free to ask away, and as usual, thanks for reading :-D.

45 comments:

  1. Ok, I absolutely LOVE the flashback pictures. Wow you did so awesome with those. Poor Claire, she has had such a rough life, and just deserves to find happiness, but I know It has to be hard with what she's been through. It sucks that even music and the piano can't bring her joy anymore. :( Can I just give Claire a huge hug now? Great chapter, as always!

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    1. Awww, thanks :-D.

      Yes, poor Claire :-(. Feel free to hug her as much as you wish. I'm sure she'll appreciate it :-D.

      Thanks so much for reading.

      Delete
  2. yay!!! A new chapter :D this made my day. I'll forgive you for having it Andrew-less, but only this once LOL

    Man, poor Claire. I say that often, but it's true. She's was so young and confused. I wonder too, if things would have been different for her if her mother was still alive. I'm taking a guess that her father was so stand-offish with her because of his wife's death. :( That's really sad if that's the case. Then that man....that man that ruined her. UGH hate him so!!!!

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    1. And *you* made my day :-D. I'm happy I'm forgiven, LOL.

      You may have guessed right about her father... and yes, very sad --and unfair to Claire-- if that's the case... :-(

      Thanks so much for reading.

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  3. Poor girl, she is hurting terribly and even things that bring her joy are underlined with sadness. :( Very curious about what her father wanted with her that day, though I have some idea of what it might have been.

    Waiting patiently for the next chapter, this is all building up to something! :)

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    1. Poor Claire, right? :'-(. I don't know what you might be thinking about her father's talk, but you're probably right ;-).

      Thanks so much for reading, I hope I won't disappoint you.

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  4. Aw, Claire. At least you're looking back on it, instead of living in it. Also, she's enjoying music now, even after all that has happened. I wonder when she will be able to look at that and realize that she doesn't have to carry her past with her forever. Then to get her to realize that Andrew isn't going to hurt her in that way and get a happily ever after for her!

    And Ethel is so sweet to her. It's got to be a comfort to Claire to know that there is someone who is quite willing to help hold her up.

    So happy to see a chapter of yours! Though, Andrew next time? Pretty please?

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    1. Yes, she's enjoying her music again, which is of great comfort to her. Unfortunately, it may take a while for her to get rid of her past forever. Her past is not so easy to overcome, and there are still some more things to be revealed.

      Oh, Ethel is exactly the kind of friend Claire is in need of: a little bit obtrusive, perhaps, but all in all very sweet and kind :-).

      Hehe, I think I can safely promise I'll make it up to you next chapter, as far as Andrew is concerned ;-).

      Thank you so much for reading.

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  5. 'She was to be his' ... not very promising words to hear when it's about someone you loathe. My gut tells me Claire's father wanted to talk to her about an arranged marriage. Was her father clueless or so broken from the loss of his wife that he didn't care any more? Could he even have blamed Claire for her death?

    I did miss seeing Andrew, of course, but I understand that he's not part of Claire's past. (Otherwise, it would've been much happier. I'm sure of that.)

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    1. Well, as I'm sure you weren't expecting me to answer any of those questions, and your hypotheses are really interesting, I won't say anything else :-P.

      Oh, yes, if Andrew had been part of Claire's past, there would never have been "A Pair of Brown Eyes" at all, don't you think? ;-)

      Thank you so much for reading.

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  6. Ooooh, my day just got a whole lot better :-) Such beautiful pictures, I just love the scene with the girls all huddled on the bed. These must take you ages to put together, but it's worth the wait! I especially loved the portrait of her mother - how did you do that?!? Of course I missed Andrew, but I'm so happy you reminded me of the prologue - very excited to see how the next two months play out. :-)

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    1. And mine got better with your comment :-). Oh, that portrait was nothing but a random download I've had for a long time. I wish I could give credit to its creator, but unfortunately, I don't remember where I got it from. But there are ways you can get that effect by editing pics in Photoshop or GIMP. In fact, I'm thinking of putting up a tutorial on some little tricks I've learnt, you just gave me an idea :-D.

      I hope I won't disappoint you. Thank you so much for reading.

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  7. Leerlo así es un desperdicio para mí... Lo quiero en español ya, que me desespero!

    Es broma guapi, tómate tu tiempo. Muchos besos!

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    1. ¡Ay, ay! El inglés, esa asignatura pendiente, ¿no? ;-) Es broma también, ¿eh?

      No prometo nada, pero intentaré tenerlo para mediados de la semana que viene :-D.

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    2. Pues no creas que la tengo muy pendiente, pero evidentemente no tengo tu nivel, y prefiero leerla en español para disfrutarla mucho más ^^
      Tú tranquila, ponla cuando puedas, que además yo estoy de exámenes toda esta semana y parte de la otra...
      Muchos besos!

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  8. Wow, look at little Claire, enthusiastic and not afraid to hold everyone's attention! I hope she can recapture that part of herself someday. It's so sad that she feels the way she does about what was done to her, but sadly a lot of women experience those feelings.

    I'm reallllllllly wondering what she told Ethyl! And of course what her father had to say...although I have a few guesses about that.

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    1. Ah, good, you caught on that :-D! Yes, that girl is (was) actually the REAL Claire, spirited, and confident, and not particularly shy...

      No, she didn't tell her much, except what was already shown in the previous chapter, namely that she was unhappy in her marriage. What her father had to say to her..., now that is a different matter altogether. But I have the feeling your guesses might be correct.

      Thank you so much for reading.

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  9. Oh Claire <3 *tight hugs*
    I know how hard it is to get over what's happened to her, but I know that if she'd just open up to Ethel or Andrew she'd feel the weight lifted. A problem shared is a problem halved, and even if it's too late for them to do anything, just talking would do her the world of good.
    Of course, I understand that in the time this is set in, a woman talking about events such as these is not as easy as it is these days. Sex outside of marriage is a sin, but rape is a grey area and swept under the rug. Though I know both Ethel and Andrew would be supportive and wouldn't judge her for what he put her through and everything that happened with her husband after.

    And she blames herself for her mothers death? Poor thing :( I guess maybe her father said something to that effect at some point, whether he meant it or not we're yet to see, but that's my assumption as to why she'd blame herself.

    I hope this recital goes well and gives her the boost she needs!

    Also, pictures were beautiful as usual, and the writing too. I honestly don't believe that English is your second language ;) Sorry it took me so long to get here, I'm miles behind on my reading right now!

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    1. Agreed! If only Claire would think the same herself...

      Yes, lots of double standards were at work in those days. That's why Claire is so scared to trust even her friends.

      Ah, well, then I have to tell you, your assumption is very interesting ;-).

      Yay, the recital! You'll finally get to see it in the next installment :-D.

      No worries, no need to apologise. And thanks so much for your words, they do mean a lot to me, A LOT! :-D *hugs*

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  10. Yikes. Anniversaries of things can be so amazing, or so dreadful. Poor Claire, that in her case it was a dreadful anniversary. :(
    LOL I loved your second warning about no Andrew in the chapter, although I was sad for it, but I know not every character will always show up in all chapters, hahaha. It was a funny warning. :)
    It is so sad that so many women used to die in childbirth, leaving the child with just one parent who might end up resenting the child for the loss of their partner. I don't know if this is the case between Claire and her father, but him never really talking to her seems like he didn't care that much.
    I have to say, I really enjoy the flashback chapters :D I like to see more of Claire's past and why she is the way she is.

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    1. Absolutely! Yes, unfortunately it's as dreadful an anniversary as it can be :-(.

      LOL, I sometimes use my warnings as a comic relief of sorts, hahaha.

      I can't say much (yet), but yes, you may be right in that. He might have resented her for that -cruel and unfounded- reason. Besides, daughters were not very "valuable", to begin with.

      :-D I'm glad you liked it, flashback chapters are so much fun to put together, as they allow me to explore a happier side to Claire.

      Thank you so much for reading.

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  11. I don't know if I commented before, but I am loving your writing and you style very much :D
    Very much am I adoring Claire, I do feel sorry for her, but at the same time, I can't help but just adore her as well.
    Ivory

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    1. Aww, thanks. I'm glad you're enjoying the story :-D.

      Thanks so much for reading.

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  12. *pouts* no Andrew?
    /sigh. I guess I'll have to wait.
    Those pics with the little girls are simply adorable!
    I'm with Lily. I'll bet her father is about to tell her about her arranged marriage. Of course, you won't say. ;)

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    1. My lips are sealed ;-).

      I'm glad you liked those pics, and thanks so much for reading :-D.

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  13. Those last two pictures are so ominous. The flashbacks are great and I'm so curious to learn more about her family. I'd like to believe that her mother would be someone she could confide in. If she blames herself for her mother's death, I imagine that her father had guilted her. Such a shame to place blame on something like that.
    It's really telling about Claire's character that she managed to find the drive to continue playing piano.It's a much needed outlet.
    Wonderful update.

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    1. Ominous, indeed! :-(

      Poor Claire is all alone in the world, so unfortunately she has no one to tell her not to blame herself for things that are obviously not her fault :-(.

      Playing the piano is a very important thing for her, there's no doubt about it.

      Thanks so much for reading and for your feedback :-D.

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  14. Good chapter. Although Im missing one of my favorite male leads of all times, but it was good to get more information on Claire's past. I only hope she can realize how close to being happy she is this time.

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    1. Awww, I was sure you'd miss him ;-). Sorry, it just couldn't be helped, LOL. There'll be plenty of him in next chapter.

      Thank you so much for reading :-D.

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  15. Aww, I feel for Claire. I also have a strong feeling that her dad didn't help her through all of this, I bet he made it worse. She doesn't seem to have much family support in all this D:

    I loved the flashbacks! They were great insight into who Claire is which they always are!

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    1. She's been pretty much lonely her entire life, poor Claire! :-(. And yes, her father made things worse: negligent parents always do!

      Thanks so much for reading. I'm glad you loved the flashbacks, you know I'm practically addicted to them ;-P.

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  16. I love the flashback scenes, you always do such a fantastic job with them, and the pictures are stunning as always. This September will pass too, and hopefully next September will have happier memories for Claire.

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    1. Aww, I think I'm blushing right now. And perhaps she'll have fonder memories of THIS september as well ;-).

      Thanks so much for reading :-D.

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  17. Her father's summons is rather foreboding. I can't see him being an understanding man. I no doubt think that everything that happened will be her fault for being a female.

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    1. Oh, it is foreboding, indeed! And he probably blames poor Claire for many things which could have never been her fault :-(.

      Thank you so much for reading.

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  18. I would hate September too. I think anyone would. Poor thing! It's all starting to come together now. I love how you've revealed things little by little!

    It's so sad to see how she once was so carefree and now she's anything but.

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    1. Hehe, I like revealing things at Claire's "pace", so to speak.

      Poor Claire, she was once so lively... and now, she's just the opposite :-(.

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  19. Your flashback pictures are breathtaking! Oh, and this poor girl. I feel so sad for Claire, and I have a very bad feeling about what her Father is about to tell her. :( You're doing a fantastic job of showing little glimpses into the past and slowly revealing information.

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    1. Thanks so much, you're making me blush :-). Whatever it is you're thinking about her father, you're probably right, I'm afraid... :-(.

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  20. 11 years??!! That would make her 36 now? And Andrew is 45? He's a good looking 45...sheesh!

    Also, 11 fricking years!? That's a long time to be in an abusive relationship.

    Also, also...you've hinted at the skin thing and her not wanting to show it...and scars on her belly, aching shoulder...JESUS!! I'm so glad she got out.

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    1. From your next comment, I gather you've sorted this age thing by yourself, right? Because eleven years back from the present Claire was actually fifteen.

      It is quite, quite, quite a long time... :'-(

      Thank you for reading.

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  21. "Claire hated septembers..."

    That opening line is to die for, so beautiful, so poetical! One could digress forever on that -- but I enjoy that your text is so concise and elegant, Marta.

    Tainted is a horrible word, and it's even worse that Claire should feel that way.

    I love it how you place the lovely scene of the girls gathering around Claire to listen to her fairy tales, prior to the gloom scene of her recollections of being abused -- the contrasts make them both ring truer and stronger. I have commented about that before, how you use so well the 'chiaroscuro' in your text.

    I apologize if often I comment from the perspective of a writer than that of a reader. I do appreciate your beautiful pictures, too. Claire is especially charming in that black dress that opens this chapter, and her facial features are stunning -- even sadness won't wear them down.

    Claire hated septembers...

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    1. Awww, I don't know what to say: I feel honoured that you should think so about my story :-).

      Yes, sadly, Claire is an "expert" at calling herself all sorts of nasty names :-(.

      I try to write as honestly as I can, and this story has both light and darkness.

      Thank you so much for your comment :-).

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